Editor’s Note: I am blessed to have a small and beautiful community of exceptional people in my life, people who teach me, by example, how to be in this world. In this post, Carrie Jenkins opens up about navigating a challenging year. I am always and forever grateful for her friendship and her willingness to share her experiences with me and others.
The start of a new year is always a good time for reflection, reassessing our values, and setting intentions for the year ahead. In looking back, I could say 2024 felt like one of the most challenging years in a very long time. Which doesn’t mean, of course, that there weren’t really spectacular moments and opportunities as well. I mean, come on, I have a wonderful family, a job I love, all the creature comforts, went to Maui to care for a dear friend, saw the northern lights in my driveway, went to great concerts with each of my girls, fostered cute dogs and volunteered in my community, had fabulous getaways to Cayucos (thanks Deborah), celebrated PRIDE, started the UnBookClub, became a Grammy (Emily’s mare had a filly LOL), became a Graunty (human baby), spent time with family and friends, visited the Oregon coast to see soul friends, and I took the trip of a lifetime to Thailand. So WHY in the world, through all of that, would I feel anything other than ecstatic and grateful?
And I will stop here for a minute. Because as often happens with life, once I started writing, my “planned” article took a complete 180. And as also often happens when you are paying attention, that shift had a very serendipitous connection with insights I gained at the New Year Silent Retreat I attended. That is, we have the ability to CHOOSE where we give our attention. And this echoes Tim’s lovely blog from last week, so y’all must really need to hear it lol. That said, I am still going to talk about some of the struggles and discoveries last year, because they got me here.
I’ll admit, I’ve been a bit melancholy throughout my life. An Irish, Gemini girl with a sensitive heart and a penchant for overthinking, I always preferred the movies where you cried at the end. But I don’t believe I experienced prolonged periods of depression until last year.
It was sneaky. Days in a row where I just couldn’t do the dishes. Taking a shower, something I’ve always loved, became a chore and was put off even when I knew it would make me feel better. I had no desire to engage with others. A lifelong homebody, I began to really isolate. I didn’t have the same joy in spending time with others. I KNEW what I should do but found myself inexplicably unable to do it. And it wasn’t ALL the time, there were times that were better, so that made it easier to dismiss what might be happening.
When I started to question if what I was experiencing was depression, I would think, “I shouldn’t be depressed.” With so much to be grateful for, how could I be? And because of that, I was embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it. To the outside world, I was “fine”. But I felt anything but fine inside. I was going through the motions. After I lost my dog Delilah, a constant companion for 12 years, the depression became really severe. I was to the point I began considering medication, because it just wasn’t getting better. Then I started to talk about it, but felt like I should whisper like they did when they talked about “cancer”(whisper) in the 50’s. You know, I think I might be “depressed”. And sometimes even with air quotes, as if to diminish the stigma. I believe it is important that we are able to talk about this very real experience (which is part of why I’m sharing it, I’d much rather write an article about how enlightened I am lol).
In the thick of it, I remember telling a friend I was struggling, and when I shared everything that was going on, they commented that it was a lot. I hadn’t put that together. Looking at each situation, they weren’t “that awful” on their own. But together, it was some significant stress and emotion.
Growing up in a family of women who “got stuff done”, I developed the ability to just keep pushing through. So I was living life on auto pilot without realizing, piling things on and chasing the next distraction without taking care of what was in front of me.
So, what was going on? Among other things, my walking partner moved away. That talking had really helped to clear my head, put things in perspective, feel connected. My parents were having major health issues. I had tried dating unsuccessfully again (so back to being convinced I would be alone the rest of my life). I was struggling financially. I stopped getting together with my friends. The realities of the empty nest were hitting me hard. I had stopped my exercise routine after kidney stone surgery at the end of 2023, so was not moving my body regularly. I was overcommitted and when I had free time, just checked out. I was giving to everyone but myself. So my house was a mess, and thanks to perimenopause, my body and mind were a mess. I started researching to see if some of the struggles I was having might be linked to that. And boy howdy, were they. All of it together was A LOT, especially when I was not participating in the habits that would help me physically and mentally.
It has been my experience, there is a “magic” moment when I am finally ready to change. I knew things weren’t right, I was intellectually aware of the issues, even knew what might help, but was not willing or able to take any action. And then the switch flipped. I prayed at the Oregon coast to let go of the severe pain of losing my Delilah. And my friend and I started walking and talking on our earbuds. I started cleaning my house, a little bit at a time and getting rid of all the CLUTTER. I started spending time with people even though I didn’t want to (just being honest and of course I enjoyed it). And I made the choice to look at some painful situations differently. Thankfully, I started feeling better. (This is not to say this is available to everyone dealing with depression and there are times where medical intervention is needed.) And I am aware the depression may come back, but I hope I will have habits in place that help me navigate it more comfortably this year.
Life is beautifully complex. I feel lucky to have an abiding sense of wellbeing, even when I am struggling. I believe that is what carried me through the times of being depressed last year.
Here are some of the discoveries from my wonderful and hard year:
-
- Even if I enjoy alone time, community is essential.
- Moving my body is essential and always makes me feel better.
- Acknowledging my needs and feelings is essential.
- Meeting my needs first is essential.
- Being outside a little each day is essential.
- Consciously choosing what I focus on is essential, and I have permission to focus on the good things.
The reality is my mind is not yet geared to naturally approach life this way. I want to be intentional in prioritizing these choices in my day. But I also want to be reasonable in my goal setting so I don’t give up because I feel like a failure for not doing it all perfectly.
My word of the year is “Thoughtful”. Thoughtful of myself and my needs, thoughtful of my attention and choices, thoughtful of those around me.
“Find out who you are and do it on purpose.” — Dolly Parton
Editors Note: This blog is for general information purposes and not a substitute for advice of a medical professional. If you are or someone you know is suffering from depression, know you are not alone. There is help available. If you have questions about mental health, seek the advice of a medical or mental health professional.
Carolynne
Wow Carrie, this is powerful. Thank you for sharing from your heart and soul. It is beautifully expressed.
Susan Madden
I will pass this on to Carrie. Thanks for sharing the love Carolynne <3
Anne Russell
My dear Susan. I have struggled with depression since middle school, or earlier, honestly, I just don’t remember as well in those early years. To this day, I still readily fall into the narrative of being “terminally unique” (to quote a favorite teacher, Vinny Ferraro) in my level of “effed-up-ness” (my own lingo lol). I also suspect that many others see my outgoing, bubbly personality and perhaps don’t recognize how painful and lonely I feel inside. Of course, I also contribute to this by (consciously and subconsciously) masking a lot of the hurt and coopting my personality to cover the pain and shame. After all, I want people to like me, I don’t want to be rejected, and I deeply fear being misunderstood or invalidated when I share about something that vulnerable. And of course, I’m ashamed. I’ve been given comfort, support, love, everything that “should” make someone “happy”. So I relate strongly to your experience. And, the beautiful irony, is that by hearing about your experience, especially considering my perception of you as someone who “has it all together”, I am refreshed and renewed. I am less alone in all of it. It takes a special form of courage to share our pain and what shames us. And yet I also believe that sharing honestly liberates not only ourselves, but all of humanity. Thank you for modeling the courage that it takes to reconnect with that ideal. And know that if you ever want to talk about depression, you will find very compassionate ears here. I’m always honored to hear someone else’s truth. May 2025 bring you peace and love. <3 Annie
Susan Madden
Oh Annie, such a heartfelt and vulnerable comment. I will pass it on to Carrie Jenkins who is the REAL author of the post. There’s an editors note preceding it and you’re not the only one who missed that.