I was once in a relationship with a man who thought it was up to him to “improve” me. Finally, I got fed up with it and told him, “quit trying to fix me. I’m not broken.” Thankfully it was a long distance relationship, so I never saw him again.
Over the course of the next 25 years or so, I’ve learned that was more about him than me. For whatever reason, he considered himself a fixer of people, which means he also saw them as flawed. I now know that this type of behavior was a reflection of his own experiences and inner dialogue, nothing really to do with me.
You may have read or heard of the book, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. A New York Times bestseller, the book was inspired by a set of the Toltec People’s spiritual beliefs, explored through four agreements: Be impeccable with your word, do not take anything personally, do not make assumptions, always do your best.
It is the second agreement, do not take anything personally, that came up recently as we gathered for meditation.
“Do not take anything personally,” Ruiz writes. “Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you will not be the victim of needless suffering.”
First, it is important to recognize that we all view life from our own personal perspective (see last week’s article “Choosing Perspective”), a perspective formed from our own unique experiences. So when we take things personally, we are not taking into account their perspective. Likewise, when I have a negative opinion about another person, it’s not about them. I’m seeing it from my perspective.
Here’s what I mean. Say, for instance, you’re not invited to an event, a wedding or anniversary perhaps, that you have been looking forward to. Like many of us, first thought might go to “they’re mad at me,” or “what did I do to upset them?” or “they’re purposely excluding me.”
Each of those may be true. Or maybe they thought you wouldn’t want to go for some reason, or you said you’d be out of town that weekend, or the email is in your junk box, or they thought you were mad at them, or … See what I mean?
And whatever the reason, IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!
But it can feel pretty crummy, right, this feeling that we’re being picked on? Our thoughts, words and actions have a huge impact on those around us. So how can I be a better human being by living by the Second Agreement?
I believe the answer lies in living a mindful life. Be aware of your thoughts, words and actions so you show care to others. Practice self-love, so that we are loveable and love others more fully. Communicate effectively, listen attentively, and respond thoughtfully. Be open with your emotions and your heart. Be compassionate with yourself and. others.
And don’t take anything personally.
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