If you’ve ever listened to or read anything from Dr. Kristin Neff, you know something about self-compassion. A professor at University of Texas, Austin, Dr. Neff is one of the leading experts on the topic.
It’s often easy for us to show compassion to a friend when they’re struggling with life’s challenges. But when we find ourselves in pain, when life is difficult for us, we often ignore it or get caught up in the whirlwind of it, judging ourselves as being weak or unfit.
Self-compassion, Dr. Neff says, is rooted in our common humanity. When we struggle, we often isolate ourselves as if we were the only one experiencing life in this way. However one of the things all humans have in common is that we all suffer at times. We are imperfect, every one of us, and that connects us to others.
Tender self-compassion means accepting ourselves, comforting ourselves, and being present for ourselves during times of struggle. It means asking ourselves “What do I need to help alleviate my suffering?”
If you struggle with self-compassion as so many of us do, Dr. Neff offers suggestions and exercises to practice self-compassion as it relates to you. Here are a few:
How would you treat a friend?
Think about a time when a close friend feels really bad or is otherwise struggling. Write down how you responded. Now think about a time when you were struggling and write down, and how you responded. Be sure to note the tone in which you talked to yourself. Did you notice a difference? What lead you to treat yourself differently? How might things change if you changed your response?
Self-Compassion break
Bring to mind a difficult situation in your life, and see if you can feel the stress and emotions that come with it. Now, say to yourself: This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is a part of life. What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself.
Explore through writing
Write down something that makes you feel inadequate. This is a universal human condition, this feeling of inadequacy, so no judgment. Now write a letter to yourself from the perspective of an unconditional imaginary friend. Feel the compassion as it soothes and comforts you.
These are just three of the eight exercises Dr. Neff offers on her website. For a complete list, as well as more information on self-compassion, including benefits and myths, workshops, a self-compassion community and training opportunities, visit Dr. Neff’s Self-Compassion Institute.
The inspiration for this article came from a card with some self-compassion phrases a friend shared with me recently. Here’s what it said:
May I be kind and gentle with myself.
May I trust that I’m doing my best.
May I cultivate patience with myself.
Give the gift of radical kindness to yourself.
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