The Nearly Lost Art of Listening

I’m not a complainer, but what the heck happened to customer service? I recently submitted an order to a company I do business with. There was an issue with the order, and I needed their help to resolve it. After numerous interruptions, I finally asked the customer service rep to please stop interrupting me so I could… She interrupted me so she could say she was trying to answer my question, the one that I never got to completely ask!

In a world with so many options for communicating, it seems we’ve forgotten how to listen. I mean really listen, without interruption, without forming your response before the other person has finished their thoughts. Deep listening is a way to connect with others, to cultivate empathy and understanding, to build trust and resolve conflict.

Everyone wants to be heard and understood. We want to feel that others care about us, that what we say is important, that it has value. Interruptions lead to frustration, as I felt when I wasn’t being heard by my vendor. And it was a good reminder to me that I want to be a good listener. How?

I immerse myself fully in the conversation
I’ve mentioned before that multi-tasking isn’t really a thing. When you divide your attention up between more than one task, you are not doing either task justice. So when my husband wants to talk with me, for example, I try to remember to close the book I’m reading and give him my full attention. If I’m almost to the end of a particularly interesting paragraph, I ask him to wait a moment.

I turn towards the person speaking
The other day, during a disagreement, I stopped to listen as I was leaving the room, but didn’t turn. I got called on it. No one likes to talk to someone’s back.

I maintain eye contact
Eye contact sends the message, “I hear you. I am listening. You have all my attention at this moment.” But be aware that is not the same message in all cultures, so do your homework if you are involved with other cultures.

I stay in the moment
This is a tough one. I am aware of my propensity to start thinking of my response before the other person has finished. It’s imperative to only listen, if I am to hear ALL they have to say.

I ask for clarity
If I don’t understand something, I just simply say “I don’t quite understand what you’re saying. Can you expand?”

I believe that if we all practiced more deep listening, we would have much less conflict, much more compassion, and richer relationships at this time when we need it most.